We'll Always Be Seventeen
by JenCala28
Summary: Rory makes a startling realization. But is it too late? Set post 6.18, sort of AU season 7. One shot but could be more. Literati. Extreme angst. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to ASP, and the appropriate licensing folks for Gilmore Girls.

So much time has passed. I still can't get him out of my mind. No, that's not right either. My heart…that's where he's always been. If I had admitted it to myself before...before all this happened, maybe none of this would be happening. Maybe our lives would be different. Maybe it would be me this time. Me and him. The way it should have been all along.

I won't pretend that the news didn't shock me. Hell, it shook me to the very core. I couldn't hide it either, though for a split second I tried. But who knows me better than mom and Luke? Well, apart from _him_, that is.

I came home to visit mom and Luke, who had just gotten back from their honeymoon, and I so innocently picked up the mail on my way in. I walked in the door calling their names as I sorted through the huge bulk of mail that had piled up in the days they had been gone.

I should have put the envelope down as soon as I saw it. Maybe then I wouldn't have been tempted to know what was in it…but I couldn't. It had his return address on it and it was addressed so formally to Mr. & Mrs. Luke Danes. It couldn't be anything but an invitation. My first thoughts were that it was to another poetry reading or an event put on by his publishing house and I felt myself smile. I was proud of who he had become.

Then mom came bounding down the stairs with Luke right behind her and enveloped me in a hug as if they'd been gone for years instead of just a week. I was happy to see them, too, but for some reason even though I hugged them back and had set the rest of the mail down, I couldn't let go of the envelope.

Mom was talking a mile a minute trying to describe every detail of their trip to Jamaica in under five minutes, but it was Luke who saw me clutching the invitation.

"Hey Rory, what's that?" Luke asked. "Something going on at Yale you're inviting us to?"

Mom stopped her chatter and threw her arms around me again. "Oooh, honey, are you getting some big fancy journalism award that they're having a big shindig for? I need a new dress so I can look fabulous and lord it over everyone that my daughter, yes ladies and gentlemen, the little girl that shot out of my body so painfully after oh-so-many-hours of back-breaking labor, is the next Christiane Amanpour!"

I laughed and handed the envelope to Luke. "No, it's not an invitation from me, but it looks like it's one from Jess."

"And here I thought my brilliant child had given me another reason to brag." Mom pouted.

Luke opened the envelope and began to read the enclosed invitation. He visibly paled and glanced at me quickly before shoving the invitation back in the envelope and stuffing it in his back pocket.

I could sense something was off. "What is it, Luke?"

Luke began to stammer. "Oh, nothing, Rory. He's having another one of those poetry things and he invited us…and you know, it's just more of that flowery crap that I never understand so it's no big deal…we probably won't even go…and…"

I cut him off, "Uh-uh. Luke, there's something else. Mom is the one that babbles incoherently, not you. What is it?"

Mom pretended to look offended. "Hey now, be nice to mommy. I just reminded you of my many hours of labor I went through."

Luke tried to turn around and go to the kitchen again saying it was nothing, but I stopped him and demanded to know what was in the invitation. I could just feel something wasn't right.

Luke looked at me and sighed. "Fine. It's just that I never know where you stand with the whole Jess thing. You two have been dancing circles around each other for so many years, and I know you just saw him this year in Philadelphia at that poetry thing and I never know…"

"Luke, just tell me and stop babbling."

He released a deep breath that I didn't know he'd been holding. "It's an invitation to Jess' wedding. Rory, Jess is getting married."

I stood there for a second trying to understand the words that had come out of Luke's mouth. Jess was getting married? But…he just kissed me and berated me for still being with Logan, what was it…six months ago? It seemed like a dream. A really warped sick dre…no, nightmare. I just stared at Luke who was trying to gauge my reaction, and then over at my mom whose face had taken on a look of worry. She came towards me again and tried to put her arm around me.

"Rory, honey? Are you ok?" she asked.

Her words brought me out of my daze and I shook her off me. "What? Of course I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Jess and I have been over for a long time…years now. I 'm with Logan…even though he's in London…I'm still with Logan…why should I care about Jess?"

I could feel the ache in my chest and the lump forming in my throat and I started backing towards the door. "I'm fine. Really. I'm happy for him…really happy." I could hear my voice start breaking and I turned and ran out of the house leaving mom and Luke standing there staring after me.

Mom started to come after me, but I heard Luke say, "No, Lorelei. She needs to be alone for a while." as the door slammed shut behind me.

I ran. Just ran. I didn't know where I was going, but I couldn't be in there, not with them giving me those pitying looks, or with that, that piece of paper proclaiming Jess' future with another woman. Tears were starting to blur my vision, but I wouldn't let them fall. I kept running and finally found myself in the last place I wanted to be. The bridge. _Our_ bridge.

I stopped and sat down with my legs dangling over the edge and wrapped my jacket closer around me. It wasn't cool for an October evening, but I felt like I was freezing. The lump in my throat made it difficult for me to catch my breath and I couldn't stop the burning and aching in my chest. I finally felt the pent up tears raging behind my closed eyelids start to run down my cheeks in rivers and I couldn't stop them.

I opened my eyes and stared at the water as pictures of him kept flashing in my mind. Him sitting on this very bridge right next to me the day he outbid Dean for my picnic basket. The same bridge where we finally admitted how we felt about each other. The same bridge where we would come and spend hours talking. I could see him sitting there arguing why Hemingway was better than Plath, with that lock of hair falling over his eye. It seemed so real I reached out as if to brush the hair from his forehead, but all I felt was the gentle breeze through my fingers.

I let out a strangled cry and felt my heart break all over again knowing that I would never be able to do that loving gesture again. He belonged to someone else now. And so did I. Logan had been in London for months now, but we were still together. I loved Logan. I didn't love Jess anymore. I sobbed harder remembering the look on his face when I had told him just that the last time I had seen him in Philadelphia. He looked like I had ripped his heart out. Now I knew how he felt. I couldn't pretend anymore.

I did love Logan, but not in the way that I loved Jess, had always loved Jess. It was like he was the other half of my soul. Jess always knew me better than anyone and we could always sense what the other was feeling or thinking. The day I said goodbye to him on that bus when he went to California, I knew it was goodbye and that he wasn't coming back. I pretended I didn't know, but I saw it in his eyes. I couldn't face it then, just like I couldn't face it now. I tried to pretend that everything was fine with Logan and that all the partying and crazy stunts were alright with me. Deep down they weren't. I longed to just sit at home and cuddle under a soft blanket and just talk. Whenever I fantasized about that it wasn't Logan's face that I pictured. It was Jess. Always Jess.

I hugged my knees to my chest as the tears continued to fall and blamed myself for how things had turned out. When he begged me to run away with him that night at Yale. When he tried one last time that night in his bookstore. That kiss had awoken me again and made me feel more alive than I had in years…since the last time that he had kissed me. Why had I denied what I felt? Was my life with Logan worth it?

I started laughing at that thought. A man that cheated on me with an entire bridal party and jumped off cliffs in South America for kicks. Why had I held onto Logan when I knew deep down he wasn't right for me?

Everything suddenly became clear in my mind and I stood up, wiping my tears. I drew my cell phone out of my jacket pocket and dialed.

"Hey Ace! How's my favorite girl?" he greeted when he answered.

I took a deep breath and started what I knew was only one of several hard conversations in my near future. "Hey, Logan. We need to talk."

I calmly told him that the relationship wasn't working, that the distance was too much, and that I finally realized how different we actually were. All I heard was silence on his end.

"Logan?"

I heard him sigh. "I'm here, Ace, I'm here. I just don't know what to say."

"The truth for once. Please."

"I love you, Rory, I really do. But, I know you're right. Love just isn't enough sometimes, no matter how much we want it to be."

"I want you to be happy, Logan, but I can't be the one to make you happy. I tried, but we both know it's not enough. "I said.

"I know and it's not all your fault. It's not like we've had a perfect relationship. I know these last few months with me all the way in London have been hard."

"They have been. I want us to be friends, though. Do you think we can be friends?" I asked.

"I need some time, but yeah…I think I'd like that. I just…I don't know when. This isn't exactly easy for me. I don't lose easily, you know?"

I smiled through my tears. "I know, Logan."

"Take care of yourself. And Ace? I'm always here if you need me." He said softly. "Bye."

I hung up the phone and felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. I stared at the bridge one more time before I headed back to mom's house and prepared for the next confession I was going to have to make.

As soon as I walked in the door she accosted me, immediately noticing my tear-streaked face. I just smiled at her and reassured her that I was fine. We sat down on the couch to talk and I tried to explain to her what I had realized out on the bridge. She just smiled softly at me and said that she had known my heart had belonged to Jess all along, no matter how much it pained her and her own feelings of ill will towards him. How had she known that when I hadn't been able to admit it to myself?

I lay in my old room that night just staring at the ceiling while sleep evaded me. I knew what I was going to do, whether it helped or not. I had to give it one last attempt. I was going back to Philadelphia…back to Jess.


	2. Chapter 2

I was on autopilot the next morning as I drove to Philadelphia. I couldn't let jess get married without telling him how I felt. I knew it was selfish, but I didn't care. I didn't want to waste time thinking about the woman whose life I would be ruining if my plan succeeded and Jess called off the wedding. She wasn't the one Jess was supposed to be with. _I_ was. It had just taken me a long time to realize it.

I pulled up across the street from his publishing house, turned off the ignition, and just sat there, steeling myself for what I was about to do. I finally got out of the car and walked towards Truncheon. As I walked in the door, a little overhead bell signaled my arrival and one of Jess' co-workers, Matt, I think his name was, asked if he could help me.

"Actually, I was looking for Jess Mariano. Is he here?" I asked.

"Sure, let me go get him for you." He walked towards the back and I heard him call for Jess.

Jess came out looking at an open book in his hands as he walked towards me, but not seeing it was me yet. "Whatever you pick is fine by me." He called out behind him. He finally looked up and saw me and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Rory?" His chocolate brown eyes held disbelief.

I smiled awkwardly. "Hi, Jess."

He put the book down on the counter without taking his eyes off of me. "What are you doing here?"

I hesitated for a brief second. "I…I came to talk to you. Can we go somewhere and talk?"

He glanced nervously towards the back of the store. "Yeah, sure. Let me just grab my jacket. There's a park down the street we can go to. Can you wait here for a minute?"

I nodded before he went towards the back again.

I started looking at the many bookshelves and saw a black leather jacket thrown over the chair on a desk in the corner. I walked towards it curiously because I knew that it was Jess' jacket but he had gone towards the back to get it, or so he said. I looked at his desk and it was full of books and papers and in a typical mess that was just his style. I smiled because even though it looked like a hurricane had hit it, I knew that Jess knew exactly where everything was on it.

Suddenly I saw something on the corner of his desk that brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't believe that after all this time he still had it. I picked up the tiny wooden heart and just stared at it, the memory flooding my mind.

I remembered the night that he had given it to me on the very bridge I had been crying on just yesterday and it felt like it had just happened instead of being all those years ago in high school. We had been sitting on the bridge debating authors just like we always did when he had reached for something in his jacket pocket. He'd looked me straight in my eyes as he placed it in my hands and said, "I saw this and thought you should have it." I had looked at the perfect little red heart and looked back up at him as he softly said, "I just thought…that well…you already have my heart, Rory." I had looked up into his eyes and I knew how hard that had been for him to say and I had kissed him until we were both breathless. I had treasured that little symbol of his heart until he left me without a word to go to California. I was so hurt and angry that I had gotten his address from Luke and mailed it to him with a note that said, "I thought you should have it back since it was obviously never mine in the first place."

I couldn't believe he had kept it after all this time.

I looked up when I heard him coming back and smiled at him before placing the heart in my pocket so he wouldn't see it.

He smiled hesitantly and apologized saying he had thought his jacket was in the back. He grabbed it off the chair and we headed outside.

We walked in silence until we reached the park. He pointed to a bench and I followed him. We sat down, still not saying anything and not even really looking at each other. I was so nervous about what I would say, but I knew I just had to say it.

"Rory…"

"Jess…"

We both laughed and it broke the tension.

"Rory, why are you here?" he asked, finally looking at me.

I took a deep breath and felt my insides turn to liquid as I looked into his warm brown eyes, so full of questions. "Jess, "I began. "I wanted to apologize. The last time I saw you I…"

He stopped me. "Ror, there's no need to apologize. It's ok. You're with Logan, I get that."

I stood up, suddenly filled with pent up energy, and turned to him, "No, Jess. I'm not. I fixed things. I finally fixed things. It's over. I broke up with Logan. He wasn't right for me and I always knew that, but I was too stupid to know what was right in front of my face." I started pacing so I wouldn't have to look at him and so that I could get the courage to say what I had to say. I knew that if I looked into his eyes one more time all I would want to do is kiss him again, feel those soft lips against mine, and I knew I had to get out what I needed to say.

"What are you saying, Rory?" he pulled me back down to sit beside him, but I couldn't look at him. He cupped my chin with his hand and softly turned my face towards his, so that I couldn't avoid looking at him any longer.

The questions in his eyes were burning right through me. "I love you, Jess. I always have and I probably always will. I was too stupid to admit it when I saw you last time and I denied how I felt because we had hurt each other too much. I didn't think that I could get past everything we had been through, but now I know I can. I can't be without you anymore."

The words had come tumbling out and I searched his eyes for a response, but all I saw was shock in them. I couldn't resist anymore and I leaned closer and covered his lips with mine.

At first he didn't respond, but suddenly I felt his arms go around me and pull me closer to him until I was flush against him. I tangled my fingers in his hair as his lips sought the truth in mine, reassuring himself that what I had just said was true. I couldn't get enough of him, the way he smelled, how he tasted. We were both lost in the moment, just taking as much of each other as we could and I could feel his heart thudding through his chest against mine.

We finally broke apart, both in need of air, but refusing to let even the slightest breeze between us. His soft lips left a trail from my cheek down my jaw line to where they finally rested on my neck, gently kissing every inch of skin he could while I clung to him as if my life depended on it, relishing the feel of his skin against mine. He murmured my name over and over again against my skin and finally sought my lips once again. This time, his lips met mine in a desperate need, exploring every inch of my mouth with his. We clung to each other, trying to convey all the emotion we could in that kiss, both forgetting that anything outside of each other existed.

Suddenly, Jess pushed me away, raising a hand to his lips, the look in his eyes one of complete horror.

I reached for him, but he moved further back as if my touch would burn him. "Jess, what is it?"

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and stood up. "I can't do this, Rory."

"Jess, it's ok. I'm ready now. I love you."

He shook his head again. "Rory, I'm getting married."

"I know. I saw the invitation you sent to Luke and my mother." I said softly.

He turned again to face me, fire blazing in his eyes. "So that's why you're here? You're here to make sure that I don't get married, that I spend the rest of my life pining for you? Are you here to ruin my life again, Rory?"

"No!" I denied. "I'm here because seeing that invitation made me realize that I want to be the one you're with, that I can't live without you. You've always been the one Jess; I just didn't want to admit it."

He grabbed me by the shoulders, his voice rising, "You can't do this. You can't come into my life and turn it upside down anytime you feel like it! You can't come running to me when Blondie decides he doesn't want you and I'm here as your consolation prize! It's not fair to me, Rory. I don't deserve it!"

I shook my head, "No, Jess, I broke up with Logan. This has nothing to do with him. I love you. Please understand!" I started to cry.

Jess let go of me and slowly shook his head. "Do you know what you did to me when you came to see me the last time? I thought that we were both finally in the same place, Ror. I thought that it was finally time for us to be together. Then you push me away and tell me you're in love with the rich jerk that treats you like shit and you ripped my heart out. You have no idea what you did to me." He finished quietly.

I looked at him pleading, tears running down my face. "Jess, please. This time will be different. We are both in the same place now. I know what it's like to have your heart ripped out. That's how I felt when I saw your wedding invitation."

Jess looked at me, took in my tears and again shook his head. "We're through, Rory. It's too late."

I pulled the heart out of my pocket and thrust it at him. "It's not too late, Jess. How can it be too late when you still have this? You still love me, I know you do."

He took the heart gingerly in his hand and just stared at it. After an excruciatingly long silence, he finally looked at me, the pain in his eyes almost unbearable for me to see. "Do you know what happened after you left that last night? That night you told me you loved some other guy?"

I shook my head, waiting for his answer.

He smiled bitterly. "When you left…you took part of me with you. I thought that was it, that we were done, once and for all. You were in love with someone else. It felt like you had ripped my heart out of my chest and I couldn't breathe. "His voice broke, tears in his eyes at the memory, but he continued. "I sat there for a while just wallowing in the misery, but then I said screw it. I said Rory Gilmore can't rule my life after all these years! So I went and met my friends at a bar and I got wasted. I found a pretty girl and went home with her, trying to forget you."

I sat there letting him tell his story, my heart breaking for him and the pain I had caused him, not wanting to think about the girl in whose bed he had sought solace.

"That's where the story should end, isn't it?" Jess went on, his chocolate eyes turning into smoldering embers. "Guy gets his heart trampled on, gets drunk, gets laid, end of story, right?" He laughs bitterly and looks me in the eye again. "But you forget one thing. This is me, so nothing is ever that simple in my life. That girl, Rory? She was pretty and sweet, and when I was with her that night I was pretending it was you. And now here's where Karma kicks my ass yet again! She got pregnant, Rory! Pregnant! I thought it was a one night stand that would make me forget you, instead it shackled me to this poor girl for the rest of our lives!"

His words started to sink in and I shook my head in disbelief. "No, Jess…no…" I covered my ears not wanting to hear more.

He sat down next to me again and grabbed me by the shoulders so I would look him in the eye. "Yes, Rory. That girl whose name was on the invitation next to mine is pregnant. I'm marrying her."

Tears were flowing freely down both of our faces and I realized that it was all my fault. Jess had taken refuge from what I had done to him and the consequences had ruined his life…and mine in the process.

I shook my head again vehemently, "But you don't have to marry her, Jess. You can be a father and not have to be with her."

He laughed at that. "Oh you mean like my father was to me? Or how about yours? Was your father around much? I know he wasn't. I am not going to be like Jimmy and walk out on my kid like he did on me! I know what it's like growing up without a father and I won't let that happen to my kid."

We sat there for a moment, just staring at each other. I knew he was right and that he could never do what had been done to him. He would never let his child grow up without him and end up all screwed up like Jess was when I first met him.

I looked down and saw he was still holding the heart in his hand and the tears started flowing again. He pulled me to him and just held me against his chest as I repeated I was sorry over and over again. Once my sobs subsided, I pulled back and looked into his eyes, so full of hurt and pain and I knew that I had caused it all.

"I love you, Jess." I whispered. "Please…please tell me you love me."

He closed his eyes briefly, before looking into mine again. "I love you, Rory. I've loved you since the first day I saw you and I'll love you until the day I die. It will always be you." He whispered it softly before covering my lips with his once more. This kiss wasn't laced with passion as the others had been. This kiss was gentle and sweet, filled with longing and broken promises, hopes of tomorrow that had been dashed, and the sweet promise of remembering. It was filled with goodbye.

He slowly pulled away, his eyes never leaving mine. "I'll always love you, Rory. But we're not seventeen anymore and it's time for me to be a man and face up to the consequences of my actions."

He stood up, avoiding my eyes again now. "You and me…we are what we are. Always will be. But sometimes love just isn't enough."

He looked at me one last time as if memorizing the features of my face. "Goodbye, Rory."

"Goodbye, Dodger." I took in every last detail of him as he turned and started to walk away slowly.

I looked down at the heart he had placed in my hand so carefully a moment ago and the tears began to fall once more. "We'll always be seventeen." I whispered.


End file.
